Recently I was chatting with someone and I told him, my favorite movie genre is action. He expressed his surprise because there's an ingrained stereotype that most women aren't all about adrenaline-fueled car chases, guns, explosions from weapons of mass destruction and watching combat in movies. They are more into the flawless meeting of two souls orchestrated by the universe, the creative techniques fate uses to bring them together over and over until they overcome their peculiar obstacles and seamlessly merge as one, before sailing into the sunset to live happily ever after. Like we see in rom-coms.
This is the stuff dreams are made of isn't it?
But it's all shiny capitalist glamour because experiences born from true human stories are diametrically opposite to what we see.
In the real world we often struggle to find substance in people. Infact, it seems like people who have moral ethics, real values and true substance are slowly going extinct, eroding, or just downright defunct. Decadence takes prevalence over morality, pretence over realism, ghosting over communication, and infatuation over love. Now dating either feels like a chore we want to avoid, or a super scary venture because when you check out the pool, values like intentionality, vulnerability, and truly healed individuals without emotional deformities are conspicuously missing.
And this prevailing dichotomy is fueled by something deeper.
These days if you ask most young women what their ‘type,’ is, you'd likely get a long list of attributes - Tall, handsome, financially stable, romantic, humourous, and maybe a bunch of them will slam ‘God-fearing,’ into the list so they don't come across as parochial or myopic in their marital vision. Others probably won't reel out a list like this. They'd just use a new age term like ‘a high value man.’
Unfortunately, most men were raised on the maxim of ‘boys will be boys,’ or ‘its a man’s world,’ which means traits like accountability, and responsibility aren't just absent but there's a worrisome scourge of selfish, entitled lazy men dominating the dating pool. Once upon a time, girls with fire in their hearts were repressed until society molded them into pliant and docile beings forced to conform to the good woman trope.
A woman who is agreeable, accepts patriarchy like it's a bouquet of flowers and believes her endurance capabilities make her strong. These days women are retaining their fire, refusing to settle, and will absolutely not accept the badge of suffering just so they can be called virtuous. So what do we do about this divide? I wish there was one neatly packaged answer for this million dollar question. However since there isn't, I can only address the two groups on both sides - men and women.
For men, there isn't much to say. Women have evolved, and men have to consciously step out of outdated, chauvinist notions or risk being a part of the ever-rising male loneliness epidemic. As a researcher I love theoretical constructs so let me slide one in here. Zygmunt Bauman’s philosophy of liquid modernity is not a romantic notion, but thankfully ideologies can fit in different contexts. It states that in today's world, traditional notions are being rapidly replaced by fluidity, adaptability, and constant change. The men who are doing the inner work, who are learning to be intentional, romantic, and unselfish are winning and they will stay winning. Comprehend the times or get left behind.
For women, although there is growth, and a heightened appreciation for self love, there are still women who place emotions above logic. There are still women listening to the rants of an anachronistic society, tying their worth to men and marriages. There are still women who are narcissistic and problematic. There are still women who are lazy and unmotivated, but want a high value man to look their way. No high value man who has done the inner work, who has truly evolved will settle for this I'm sorry.
Building something meaningful starts with understanding that only two wholesome individuals are capable of doing it. We are not born wholesome. We are born flawed, and those flaws only increase as we grow.
Here is my overall point: Get comfortable with the process of being wholesome. Chip away at those aspects of yourself that are toxic, and traumatic. It's the first step to building and being a part of something meaningful. This is what births something true and beautiful.
As always I'm forever rooting for you.
